Hair

We knew TK's hair would fall out but nothing prepares you until it does.  3 days ago, TK woke up and called me into our bedroom.  She pointed at the pillow to a  'puddle' of hair.   The night before, we were kidding about our oncologist saying that he would give us his car if it didn't fall out.  I guess we're not getting his car.

Each day from the onset, hair would drop as though they were leaves in the fall.  Each stroke through her hair would yield a handful. I knew it was only a matter of days before it all came out. Its been 3 days and today, she decided to remove it all.  I'm glad that she did.

We took some pictures today right before.  It will be another 2 years before I see her like this again.

TK is a beautiful girl with or without hair. And now that its all gone, it only accentuates her beautiful eyes and smile.  She's more beautiful to me than ever before.

The husband's view - Jan 19, 2015

I won't talk too much about cancer, chemo or anything related to TK's condition in this post.  However, I do want to share a few things I did to prepare for any unexpected situations.  These may sound like no-brainers but keep these in mind, especially if you're new to caring for someone going through chemo.


1. Plot a route to an ER near you.
Take 5 mins today to memorize where your nearest ER is.  Map the route and look for alternatives if there's traffic. Calculate driving time.  You don't want to fumble with your phone to get directions.  Know it before hand!  Practice the route if you need to.

2. Keep your gas tank full.
Don't procrastinate.  Get gas when you realize you need it. Don't put it off.  You'll be fretting big time if your car is on empty as you're speeding to the hospital.

3. Keep your mobile phone charged.
Again, don't procrastinate.  Keep your phone charged. If you make a visit to the ER, expect to be there for at least 4 hours.  You'll need your phone to make calls, research on the internet, navigate, etc.

4. Stop recreational alcohol drinking (or minimize it)
This was hard for me because I love wine.  However, you don't want to be buzzed if you need to take someone to the ER.  Take it easy.  Don't drink to a point where you can't drive unless there's someone else nearby who can.

5. Get life insurance.
I got life insurance for myself immediately after we learned of TKs prognosis.  If something happens to me while TK's going through treatment, it could be even more life threatening to her.  Medical insurance can be affected, bills can pile up.  She needs to be financially protected if I'm not around to protect her.

6. Stay Healthy.
Keep working your day job. Keep doing a good job.  Keep exercising, keep a balanced diet, sleep well.  Stay mentally healthy.   You need to stay in top shape to support your spouse.

My first chemotherapy

It’s been a week since my very first chemo infusion and I am starting my throw back Thursday column with the scariest event of my lifetime.

Thursday Jan 8th 9:00 am

My appointment was at 9:30am with DR. G and I didn’t fall asleep until 4 a.m. I think it may also have been caused by Steroid pill that I was told to take starting the day before the chemotherapy.

First I was given a mix of IV fluid, Benadryl and Dexamethasone (steroid) to minimize allergic reaction to chemo. I instantly got very sleepy but ended up being awake the whole 4hours and rest of the day.

The pharmacy technician couldn’t read Dr.G’s writing correctly, she ended up over dosing me on steroid for the day of the infusion. Dr.G said that I may experience trouble sleeping, bit jumpy or increase of appetite.

Well who knew that small mistake will cause so much stress and pain for next 72 hours. I will elaborate later on here.

Friday Jan 9^th 1:51am

I went to bed around 10pm after having nice dinner my mother made but I woke up feeling so bloated as though my body is going to explode.

I went down stairs ended up waking my mother up too. She wanted to sleep over at our place incase anything happens to me that night.

I tried to do light stretching and walk around but swelling didn’t go down much.

Friday Jan 9^th 6:30am

Mom stayed awake with me the whole night and we decided to go for walk in the neighborhood. I ended up walking for about an hour 3.25miles.

It’s our usual route. Since I didn’t have much aches or pain at this point. I just wanted to be relieved from water retention.

My moon face went down a bit but I still felt like a puffer fish.

Friday Jan 9^th 9:30am

I went back to UCLA oncology to get Neulasta shot. Neulasta is made by Amgen and it prevents white blood cell counts going too low during chemotherapy

I did some internet research, cancer survivors said it was less painful if they had gotten shots on their stomach. Neulasta is given on your fatty cell. I am the kind of girl who ended up developing breast cancer before 45 years old without any family history so guess what? I ended up getting side effects of Neulasta.

"Side effects:
Important things to remember about the side effects of Neulasta (pegfilgrastim):

·        Most people do not experience all of the side effects listed.

·        Side effects are often predictable in terms of their onset and duration.

·        Side effects are almost always reversible and will go away after treatment is complete.

·        There are many options to help minimize or prevent side effects.

·        There is no relationship between the presence or severity of side effects and the effectiveness of the medication.

·        Pegfilgrastim is a support medication. The following list includes side effects attributed to pegfilgrastim.  Other side effects experienced were attributed to the chemotherapy and/or the disease

These side effects are less common side effects (occurring in about 10-29%) of patients receiving pegfilgrastim:

·        Pain (bone pain)

·        Blood test abnormalities (temporary elevation in lactate dehydrogenase)

·        These will return to normal once treatment is discontinued

·        Tenderness at the site of injection 

Sunday Jan 10^th 2:00am

I woke up with fever and pain.  I don’t want to say “bone pain” because your entire body aches even your scalp. I have very high pain threshold but I wasn't prepared for this

I thought oh it’s just side effects of the shot there is nothing wrong with me.

I went downstairs because I didn't want to disturb my husband.

I tried watching TV for a bit but I couldn't concentrate

Sunday Jan 11^th 7:30am

I stayed up until sun came up then asked AK to take me for a walk again.

I was still uncomfortable from water retention and aches.

I had sore throat since Thursday.

Sunday Jan 11^th 4:30pm

I started to notice I am hotter than usual.

AK called oncologist on-call several times and was told to take me to ER if my fever goes over

100.4 F

Sunday Jan 11^th 6:50pm

My fever reached over 101 F now it was time to go to ER.

They waited about minutes then they put me in room 8 because it’s very risky for cancer patient to be with other sick people.
I wasn't worried much because I had Neulasta shot but it was my very first time in ER. I was nervous.
I had taken extra strength Tyrenol before I went to ER because I didn't want temperature to go higher, the nurse at check it said that was a good idea.

Dr.S ordered a lot of blood work, throat swap and nose swap. I was given fluid on IV.

Chest X-ray was done too. 4 hours later I was discharged to go home because every test came back negative. Dr. S said it was more risky for me to at the hospital than to be at home.

Mon Jan 11^th 12:15am

I slept well for the first time but fever came back often throughout the day. Still alternating Tyrenol and Advil every 4 hours. 

Next few days were the worst days of my life. 

I lost my taste buds, started to notice blurred vision.

It was not fun. My spirits were crushed and I fell so defeated.

Why me?  What did I do wrong? What if this chemo doesn't really kill cancer cells at all and I am just wasting my time and energy? 

So I was just slowly digging my grave in my mind…

I cried every day when no medication worked for side effects I was having.

Then suddenly today everything changed.

My body felt lighter and back spasm went away.
I still have achy body and lingering headache but I can deal with that.

I promise to write more often because it’s really hard for me explain everything that had happen past 7days in details.  It scares me to know that I have to go through this terrible first week 5 more times in next 17 weeks. But I know I HAVE TO DO IT.  

Thank you all for encouraging me on Instagram and I am eternally grateful for your continuing prayers. 

always, TK

The Husband's View - Jan 15, 2015

Its been exactly one week since TK's first chemo infusion and I would say this has been one of the scariest weeks of our lives.  TK's oncologist assured us that chemo was nothing to be 'scared of'  - but it's been scary.

The scariest portion of this one week journey occurred this past Sunday night.  I needed to take TK to the emergency room after discovering she had a fever of 101F.  For those who are familiar with chemo,  fevers can be extremely dangerous as it may be a sign of an infection.  Chemo significantly reduces white blood cells so any infection can become life threatening.

I called the on-call doctor and explained the fever and she said that I needed to take TK to the closest emergency room.  I didnt expect this.

TK resisted but I shuttled her to the car and sped to our local ER.  She was taken in immediately as cancer patients get priority.  They ran a full gamut of blood, urine tests, nose and mouth swabs to test for flu and strep.  Fortunately,  all tests came back negative and her WBC (white blood cells) counts were relatively high - thanks to the Neulesta shot administered a few days before.

Thankfully, she was OK.  The ER doctor theorized that her body was naturally reacting to the chemo and the fever was her way of fighting it.  Despite it all, fevers are dangerous and advised us to return to the ER immediately if this happened again.

Its Thursday night and it's been scary.   She's gone through the uncertainty of an ER visit, bone aches, muscle spasm in her back that make her cry, fevers that scare the shit out of everyone.

She has 5 more of these infusions over the next 17 weeks.  I pray to god that she'll be spared of more pain.  It's been bad enough in the last 7 days.

So the day has come

I am going to have my first chemo infusion tomorrow morning at 9:30 am.

It's been 40 days since my primary doctor called day after Thanksgiving to confirm that I now have a breast cancer. But even now it seems so surreal to me that I am actually going to be sitting in that chemo chair soon.  Past few days I have been preparing to "get sick". Mostly cleaning and shopping to calm my nerves I guess. Creating SMS accounts were by far the most fun. 

I have been saying it for few years now that I'd start my personal blog sharing my life on worldwide web, but I didn't think it will begin with my cancer journal.

Embarrassingly, I've never mastered my second language. Hopefully my writing skill will advance as I write more often. I think that last time, I wrote this much was in college when I was trying hard to just graduate. I was on honor roll few times with double majoring but I am not sure how I did that. It’s a mystery.

I promise to keep subjects light and entertaining but if my journal somehow brings you down, please don't read cancer journal section of this blog. I'd hate to ruin your day. I am starting this blog to share my journey with people that are close to my heart. And also with some of you who are seeking the light shining through your daily lives. I don't think I will have enough energy to share my war on cancer in details to everyone who cares for me without being emotional. So please follow my journey on this blog check back often to say hello.

Regardless of situation that I am in, I am excited that I have actually started my personal blog in 2015. I look forward to share this journey and my passion with you all. Some say "I have to fight for my life like I have never before." but honestly, I really don't know how to do that so I am hoping that you can help me go through this.
For instant updates, you can follow me on Instagram "brightviewfinder"

Above self-portrait was taken shortly after I got diagnosed. 

Best, TK